Welp, the first season of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood is done-zo. What did you guys think? Were you feeling the hood novela or do you prefer the Atlanta and New York series? Personally, I like the cast and most of the story lines. But I'm mainly looking forward to lacefronts being snatched at the reunion next week!
Okay, let's get to the recap shall we?
Ray J meets up with his cousin Snoop Dogg to discuss his relationship with Teairra Mari. I swear, Snoop must be cousins with every black person in L.A. because I can vaguely remember one of my family members trying to insert his azz into our family tree back in the day.
Ray decides that he needs to have a conversation with Teairra to apologize for being an azz. Snoop tells him to stop trying to wife up a video heaux (a.k.a. Princess Love). The d-o double g still has a way with words, don't he?
It's time for Teairra to redeem herself after her tragic bunny ear performance with Sincere. This time, Teairra is performing the track she did with Yung Berg. My favorite part of this scene was how they kept calling this piss-infested bathroom "Teairra's dressing room". Do the producers think we're blind? I mean, clearly that's a curtain covering the toilets in the back lol. Poor lil' Teaerror.
Teairra gets on stage in front of a packed house of 15 extras that VH1 had to pay $10 an hour plus some snacks for their time. T starts belting out a song and it sounded so familiar to me. Where have I heard this song before? Hmmm.....I can't put my finger on it....hmmm...Oh wayamin', it's a complete rip off of Drake's song "Furthest Thing". I guess when your career is struggling and you lack originality, just bite off of the REAL hit makers to get you some attention!
While Teairra is on stage shimmying to Drake's track in her TJ Maxx clearance rack dress, guess who snuck into the venue? The newly single Ray J.
After Princess Love went for a dip in the swimming pool, Ray decided to call things off with Floyd Mayweather's ex-commode. He threw on his XS camo shirt and hit them streets looking for Teairra.
This time, Teairra's performance was a success! You know, you can't go wrong with singing karaoke to a Drake song, right?
She hops off stage and heads back to the shyt station a.k.a. her "dressing room" and there's a big box sitting on top of the public sinks (just nasty). Ray walks in and tells her that there's a gift for her inside of the box. She opens it, and it's a Louis Vuitton luggage bag.
Next thing you know, Ray J and Teairra are going at it! They're doing some awkward fifth grade excessive pecking on the lips and I had to turn away when Teairra admitted that her panties were wet.
Well, alrighty then.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Princess Love was going to town with some bleach on all of Ray J's miniature sized clothes. This part wasn't shown on the show of course, but it was posted on every blog back in July (click here to read the story).
Although it would be cute if Ray and Teairra got back together, you know that shyt is not about to go down. You could tell that Ray wasn't really into swapping spit with Teairra, he almost looked like he was disgusted that their mouths were connecting. Or, maybe he was wondering which of his items Princess would destroy next after the footage aired?
Hazel-E is so damn desperate for friends that she decides to meet up with Nikki Mudarris. Hazel, Hazel, Hazel, what are you doing with your life? It's clear no one else wants to film with you so you're stuck trying to befriend Nikki, but this is not a good look for you. Nikki just seems self-absored, sneaky and fake. My psychic powers tell me that this will not end well for Hazel (story of her life).
Nikki drops a bombshell and tells Hazel-E that Masika and Yung Berg are officially dating. Hazel-E is pissed (but, why does she care?)
Can we discuss Nikki's face right quick? MY GAWD she legit looks like a dude. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a peen tucked between her thighs. WHY would someone spends thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look like THAT?! WHY???! I need answers people!
After spending time with Nikki, Hazel-E must have been feeling herself because she decided to meet up with Masika AGAIN. Hazel-E feels betrayed by Masika but honestly, she needs to just let it burn. Masika nor Berg are worth a pile of donkey shyt and Hazel-E is just wasting her time trying to make sense out of the situation.
The ladies throw insults back and forth and did this bytch Hazel-E just say that she has a big nose because she is Jewish? Lawdddd.
Nia Riley stops by Soulja Boy's crib because yeah, she still hasn't been blessed with privilege to move in to his home yet. Soulja Boy is playing this chick so hard but she's too "in love" to see it. I mean, wouldn't you be blinded by this...
Moving right along...
Nia and her daughter got into a car accident and their car flipped over two times. This girl stays with a sob story on deck, don't she? Every time they turn the camera on, she's boo-hoo'ing about something. No wonder Soulja doesn't pay her no mind.
Soulja Boy is happy that Nia and her daughter weren't harmed in the accident but he's still not ready to talk about her moving in with him lol. But wait, I thought they were supposed to look for a house together somewhere? I can't keep up with this boy's lies.
To step her desperation up another notch, Nia went and did THAT. Yes, she got Soulja Boy's real name (Dre) tatted on her damn ashy neck smh. Who told her this was a good idea? Aren't there other ways she could have showed her love for him? Whatever happened to baking a pie to say "I love you" or cleaning the house, or cooking a nice meal or something? Nia is so lost.
Fathers, hug your daughters!
Now that Omarion's son is born, he's ready to get back in the studio and make music. He flies out to Atlanta to meet up with Rick Ross and play him his new track. Now, the only reason why I'm bringing up this part of the episode is because it gave me a flashback of my encounter with Rick Ross....I was front row at his concert at some rinky dink club in L.A. and this fool had his shirt off, swanging his moobs, and bouncing around with his big obese belly hanging over some size 54 jeans. I started obsessively rubbing on his belly like one of those buddha dolls and this hefty fxcker slapped my hand away with so much anger, I was dead to the bed! Moral of the story, if you don't want your bloated, full of lemon pepper wings belly to be touched, please put your size XXXXL shirt back on. Thank you!
This had to be the best part of the episode, Apryl taking a stroll with her two sons lmao.
Stahppp! Please! No mas! Can't.Breave.!!!
My second favorite part of the episode: These pint-sized fools at a damn table with no bottle service. I guess Maskia forgot to pay the credit card bill this night too #nofunds
Lil' Fizz meets up with his baby mama Moniece at the beach to discuss how they can co-parent their son. Now that wonky eye Amanda is out the picture, Moniece is more open to burying the beef and moving forward.
Now, the best part about this scene is when they panned over to Fizz' "nanny". VH1 needs to cut the shyt. How the hayle can Fizz afford a nanny if he still lives with his mother in a roach-infested apartment...allegedly.
This is so cute. I want to see Moniece and Lil' Fizz work things out. She doesn't care that he's broke and lives with his mama. She don't give a damn that there was absolutely no peen print in those shorts that he was wearing at the beach. She loves Fizz for who he is, and that's all that really matters.
At the end of the episode, Ray J rides off into the sunset with Teairra Mari and proceeds to peck her lips to death.
See y'all next week after part one of the reunion!
What did you think of the season final of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood?